I am a dick!

Photo by Artem Sapegin on Unsplash

I broke my back ‘cause

I thought you would too

I’d run in circles

I thought you would too

— Cyn, I’ll still have me

I have been called an Alpha, I have been called a Beta. I have been called bad, I have been called good. I have been called courageous, I have been called lame. I heard this evolutionary psychology, where when people mate search for certain qualities that should be deeply rooted, wired in our being. The more and more I understand it, the more I get the feeling that it is our culture who says if you are cool or not. That you are Beta or Alpha or whatever.


Are you an Alpha when you are like the drug baron Escobar. Who blows people up, when he sees fit or cut people in pieces with a chainsaw when he does not like you? Just to accomplish something. Are you an Alpha, when you invent another iPhone but have temper issues? Are you an Alpha when you can fly an Airbus 380, but unable to tie a knot?

Being caught in human ideologies. Indulged in our upbringing how you should or should not. Some do not adhere to this and are called antisocial, different, strange, hippie or something else. When adhering to the rules, being politically correct, being pro or anti or whatever makes you cool to some and disliked by others. It is a Beta second level living, so they say. Instead, we must let go of our animalistic impulses and bite everyone who is a distraction in our path.

When you decide not to be the person giving and giving, I end up being the bad guy. The guy who took a decision to choose for himself. Selfish prick I am. Yes, a dick. Since I was not there anymore to keep ongoing. The opposite is true. By choosing yourself, you can be a selective giver and give when the person/time is due.

Otherwise, you are in a downward spiral of (emotional) abuse. In the end, you are no-where or have to start over and over again to pick-up your life again. Since you have lived the life of someone else. You gave your power away because you were needy in a way.


It seems like that being a dick with a vision is all it takes to be alpha. Something people like and hate at the same time. It is quite addictive.

Yancey, the ‘Motherfucker Who Doesn’t Care’. He needed to be tougher, to care less about those around him, and to be a bit more hard-headed to get the work done, is a phrase and the title of his book he wrote. The truth on this matter is that being authentic, true to yourself is by far more attractive than to be a hard-headed dick with fewer feelings than a rock.

The idea of self-deception and self-deprecating behaviour occurs when you say yes when actually you want to say no. When you compromise or say things to be nice to be accepted or the even worse, to get in the sack of others. Doing as if you are on their side, but meanwhile, you think differently.

In keeping sane, it is better to choose I. Nothing wrong if you do so, even if you have kids, sometimes you need to choose yourself.


Engaging people is a better way to go. Being open-minded towards people’s thoughts is a good thing, but not letting people control you is the best way. Listening, but stopping them when it’s enough. You have to make choices, sometimes totally the opposite of what people expect or desire.

According to Adam Grant (writer, director), to be a disagreeable giver is the best thing to get the most as a leader.

Sometimes it is better to withhold a bit and other times to be ruthless. Depending on the situation where you need to act on, to get your idea through. Or as Mac Howard said: “You do not have to be hard, be consistent.

Being the alfa or beta. It’s all fucking stupid. It is the emotional relationship between two people. Does the other person have respect or admiration towards you? Or to put it differently, for one, I can be very alfa and for the other not. For one I can be too much, and the others start being nervous. For the other, I can be just another nice person and even try to dominate or manipulate me.

All the other crap in evolutionary psychology is oversimplified models in how we mate in the dating scene on the very psychical level.


Begin by thinking about what activities you like to do, and then conduct some research to discover whether there’s a local group you can join. If you like to go cycling, for instance, search for a biking group in your area. If, on the other hand, you prefer to read, find a nearby book club or create one for your own. You could also get more involved with your community to help plan local events or otherwise create a positive difference. And don’t forget that nonsocial experiences such as meditating, writing, and painting, can also reduce feelings of isolation.

The only voice you should follow is the voice within. Not the hyped or controversial shit culture puts you up to. Be a non-conformist. In the end, you will end up better than the copy of a mould.

You will find people who are the same as you. It has nothing to do with being Alpha or Beta. It has to do with respect and admiration. Does this person inspire me or is this person a burden, causing anxiety or some other negative energy? Then we better avoid them.


It is the (emotional) gain we can get. It is the connection we have with others. It is a level of willingness and understanding of each other, kind of a reflection of the self. As a whole, we can and a lot of times we are disturbed and the reflection of us in others is disturbed as well. We see how our actions are justified (or not) and we see if there is mutual interest. It can be toxic, but still.

Let’s be untouched, non-experienced and full out naive when it comes to relationships. Actually, that is not a good thing in a world like we are living in now. A better thing is to be considerate and wise.

“Afterward, I looked around the room and thought, ‘I did it. I’m the most popular girl here.’ As shallow as it is, that’s what I thought at the time. Life was like high school, a popularity contest in a classroom as big as the world. Mainstream fame, or at least the tantalizing possibility of it, had now entered my bloodstream. I was never the same afterwards. Returning home on the airplane, swigging miniature bottle of Jack Daniel’s with Juli and Kaylan, I was now one of them: I could do no wrong. And I could get away with anything, because I was Jenna! with an exclamation point. I thought I was finally finding myself, but in reality I was turning into a monster.”

(Pg. 407) — from Jenna Jameson’s 25 Reasons Why No One Would Ever Want To Be a Porn Star

There is to the mind no right or wrong, it is what has been fed with. It will accept and expect what has been fed with. Being Alpha or Beta is only a metric that has been invented in our minds, it is a comparison to others. Serving the ego, not your true nature and thus not sustainable. Loving yourself is more important than the idea of being loved by others! Why, because you will find those, who love you the same way as you love yourself.




Writing about the Human Experience

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Aron Hartman

Aron Hartman

Writing about the Human Experience

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